Zombies are not just people. Verizon proves it.

          While many of us are, myself included, are tethered to our cell phones, smart devices and tablets, it seems one wireless provider is mindlessly attempting to get rid of its customers.  Starting January 15,2012, Verizon will begin charging it’s customers a $2.00 convenience fee.  They will collect this fee for its customers to pay their bill on-line.  It seems that Verizon is following Sprint in an effort to get its customers to sign up for auto-payments.

Yes Verizon Sir, thank you may I have another!

            Now if you are like me the last thing you want is for some zombie corporate beast to have access to your personal back account and have the ability to take money from it.  This is especially nerve racking when you know the bill can vary month to month based on plan and usage but also that Verizon admitted that it overcharged 15 million customers which got Verizon almost $100 million in fees.

How come if I mail a paper check in I am not charged a fee? Having my bank pay you directly, auto pay or even having a credit card that has banking features pay you.  I can got to one of your staffed stores and pay your underpaid zombies with out a fee yet you pay them, and for that storefront?  But I can go to the web site, schedule a payment and I have to pay $2.00 for that transaction.

            I would complain about the cost of it all but it is really the principle of the whole thing. I can understand why my mortgage company charges when I call in a check by phone but when I make an on-line payment what human interaction am I paying for, or should I say zombie interaction?

            Verizon customer contact the federal regulators and let them know about this injustice, also make sure your voices are heard to Verizon.  I know right now I am reviewing other wireless companies.

Former House Speaker takes a vacation.

Several news sources have revealed that the Presidents 2011 Christmas vacation to Hawaii has exceeded $4,000,000.  Now we all know that any trip the President takes is a bit costly.  You have security, staff, family an occasional round of golf and maybe a cheeseburger.  He deserves the time out of the beltway but as an American who takes vacations he could have been like most of us and done a holiday on a budget.  Poor judgment on his part seeing the current state of our country and knowing taxpayers are footing the bill for at least 80%.

But now it is being reported that former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, also vacationing in Hawaii, is spending at least $10,000 a day at a resort.  Now Mrs. Pelosi why are you not staying at one of your wonderful hotel locations that you own?  You have claimed to be a champion of the poor and defender of the zombified masses but yet you are tossing tax payer dollars, or was it insider trading money, on this very exclusive vacation.  I mean the Four Seasons Resort Hualalai at the Historic Ka’upulehu in Kona, wow.  I can’t even sell my house to stay there for the weekend.  You definitely are not setting the example; you may have been better off staying at one of the fine hostiles in NYC.  Get to know your fellow Americans, better yet maybe stay in a tent on the beaches of Waikiki like so many Hawaiians are forced to do.  Mrs. Pelosi you need to loose the Marie Antoinette persona.

Nancy "Marie Antoinette" Pelosi - Insider what?

We have found out that Mrs. Pelosi has secured the local police to escort her and on her last two holiday trips it is reported that has exceeded $34000 to the local tax payers.  How long are we going to allow this behavior from our officials, especially since we have insider trading on capital hill with laws that are exclusively made to not pertain to them.  We need to make changes and coming shortly Zombified Times will post a Manifest of Public Service for elected Officials.  Change congress, change the house, change the politicians, we need to put ethics in our already ethic less government.  Members like Reed, Pelosi, and Boehner need to be removed from office, arrested and imprisoned.

We are in no way excusing the zombie masses that support the mindless dribble these leaders feed them but for the real folks trying to survive, trying to find work and trying to do what is right, we deserve to have fair retribution for crimes committed against us.  

From Zombified Times to all our readers...Have a very Zombie Christmas

Unemployment drops as Zombies take work others refuse to do.

Occupy Zombies are still wondering around aimlessly yelling at the one percent that they feel should give up their income and savings so that they can continue to remain unemployed but in the UK, the Durham Crematorium announced that they are hiring zombies and an astonishing rate to help generate energy.  That is right, generate energy.  Energy that will run the crematorium, its offices and heat the facility but also allow it to sell back energy to the UK’s Nation Grid, hence lowering the cost of energy.  Essentially the crematorium is capable of generating enough energy to run 1,500 televisions 24 hours a day.

Zombies clamor to fill job openings at Durham Crematorium

Some may seem squeamish about the thought of burring humans to generate energy but when you think about it not only can you donate your body to science you can continue to be useful even longer to society by being converted into energy.  Zombie rights activist say that this is a promising step to creating equality among all zombies in that once they show they are giving back to society and not just leeching off everyone else that is hard working and trying to get by.

Not all are for it though.  When asked, a NYC Occupy Protestor claimed that he refuses to get any job ever that does not pay more than minimum wage and will remain unemployed.  He also commented that giving back to society it that way is just not at a level he would consider, but said there are plenty of others that would do that work even if he doesn’t.

Zombies said this is an awesome opportunity to keep our younger brain eating zombie’s pseudo alive and well.  Frank Stein a life long zombie said since his legs and arms have fallen off he no longer can hunt for the living to adequately to feed his family but now he can go to the Durham Crematorium and help generate energy to help keep all those lazy protestors alive so his children can feed on them.

The Real 1%

Occupy This. Op Ed.

Zombified Times is taking a look a various Occupy locations and documenting the Zombified attempts and their failures.  Today we feature Albany, NY.

A few weeks ago the Mayor of Albany, NY gave free reign to protesters to camp out and peaceful protest at a city park.  While the protest went mostly problem free there were demands being made of the city, such as placing semi-permanent structures in the city park due to the onset of winter.  Zombified Times says boo-hoo.  Grow a pair protesters.  If you want to show you determination and dedication then buck up and deal.  We the tax payers don’t want Quonset huts in our parks.  The homeless of the city suffer then maybe you should taste their plight and get a real vision to real problems, not the fascination that some how you deserve a piece of my paycheck without doing any work.

Bradley Russell-Self proclaimed Zombie Messiah of Occupy Albany

So this past week one outspoken zombie, Bradley Russell decided that he would move across the street to a state owed park.  So a protest at the state park no big deal until this self-indulgent protester decided to camp out and build a fort on the park grounds.  He refused to remove the structure and was arrested.  I applaud the state police for doing this, but now it comes to light that the Albany County DA David Soares refuses to prosecute the protesters for the trespassing violation.  By Saturday night all the protesters moved their tents to the state park and were all arrested.  Wash, Rinse and repeat, they all showed up for Sunday and attempted to camp Sunday night, arrested again.  The law is the law DA and they broke it with out permits or permission to camp at a state park.

The zombie protestor’s motive is the fact that most of us do not care what they are doing and feel that they are infringing on our rights.  The mentality of some of these protesters is clearly not on the same plane as society as a whole and their desire for free self indulgence is unnerving.  Like Lemmings they follow each other unguided and misinformed.

Their should be guidelines to protesting the government and you should be able to answer simple questions such as, is the federal reserve a government agency?  Who controls the currency and management of the economy?  What year was the Declaration of Independence ratified?  When did women receive the right to vote?  It has been clear that many of these protesters when asked can not answer any of these questions and have failed the most basic history of our country.

Protesters, go home at night.  Get organized and come back in the morning and protest.  Better yet, maybe you should take heed to other countries that organized successfully through the use of the Internet, social media and grass root efforts.  Standing around yelling at New York’s Capital will not do anything except continue to make you look like the idiots and the media is no longer on your side.  You do have the right to free speech, the right to assemble but you do not have the right to infringe on my pursuit of happiness and affect my quality of life by trashing our parks.

Occupy Zombies switch direction and retarget the real 1%

In recent days it was noted that many occupy zombies are returning home to live in their parents’ basements, playing x-box and eating pizza and living off the golden age members of our society.  Those that have worked hard all their lives and have saved for that empty nest time that they so deserve.

While a few weeks ago parents were rejoicing that the little zombies had finally got out of their houses they are now finding that is was short lived.  They are quickly realizing that this is not a sweet home coming but an obtrusive protest to the growing wealth gap in American society.

This week it was reported that those households with a person over 65 are 48% more wealthy than a household with a person under 37.  The zombies on Wall Street are now chanting to the new Operation Occupy Basement, calling for the sharing of the wealth.  Demanding that all households with persons 65 and over should forfeit half their income and savings to those without any savings or even a job.

While 35% of the population in the US is over 65 it would seem that protestors hare have math issues claiming that they are the 99%.  One protester said 65% vs. 35% isn’t really easy to chant and it is harder math than 99 vs. 1.  That is power.  Ben Dover, 35, a protester from Union City, NJ commented why should all the old folks have money, they can’t take it with ‘em.  I need it more so I can spend the time looking for work.  When asked what happened to his last job he stated that he was too old to keep being a paper boy.

Another happy group. Packed and moving to Costa Rica, free of  Zombie children

We talked with one retired veteran, H. Andout and he says he is gathering all of his friends that are retired and they will be splitting the cost to buy land in the Dominican Republic or Costa Rica and moving, at least he knows the zombies can’t get there, because they can’t swim and they never will have the money to fly there.  Good plan H.

Missing Zombie family members found.

In a bizarre case emanating from Nizhny Novgorod region in Russia, police there have located mummified bodies in the apartment of the local historian.  Several months ago US Zombies complained to the US Consulate that they feared that relatives that lived in Nizhny Novgorod had disappeared.  They had made several trips to the region to visit their relatives at the local cemeteries but found none of them at home.

One of the mummified victims (AP Photo/ guvdnn.ru/HO).

Oddly enough all of the missing were female and the accused, Anatoly Moskivin, dressed the remains and propped them up through out his apartment.  The various families involved are relieved that this matter is resolved and can now claim the remains of their beloved family members.  Sadly none of them will become zombies like us but we will still love them, moaning one zombie mother of one of the victims.

Russian police are denying that any zombies were involved in this matter and referred us to contact the local Russian Federation FSB office.  We have not heard from the reporters since then.

Why Zombies do not eat bacon.

$6.00 a pound that is why.  Since mid 2010 bacon prices have increased about 31%, but that is not just bacon but the whole pig.  Now zombies have avoided bacon because, well they only eat brains  but if they did, they wouldn’t due to the price, says zombie economist Clifford B. Eaton.

Why the increase?  Eaton commented that corn is the culprit, not zombies as some reports have claimed.  Corn producers are selling what would have been feed for pigs to ethanol producers for the production of the gasoline additive.  Zombies also gasped at that due to the fact, zombies can’t drive.  Why the heck do we care about ethanol, groaned on Zombified shopper at Sam’s Club.

Occupy Zombies damaging to business

A NYC Café owner has been forced to cut its staff by a 1/4^th due to protestors.  That was 21 people of 97 that are now a national statistic.  The Milk Street Café has seen sales drop 30 percent since the protestors moved in to a park on Wall Street.  This scene is playing over again else were.  In Oregon most businesses in the protesting area have seen up 75 percent decline in their business with on store owner say that he will have to close after 93 years in business due to the loss in an otherwise struggling economy. This all seems to be a standing truth with the occupy crew is they can not even afford a cup of coffee or to give some deserving patronage to these hard working business, other than wanting spare change for ACORN or to use the restrooms.

Zombies nationwide have complained of the intrusion to their copyrighted identities.  Though the occupy types pretend to be intelligent well round youth hiding among those that deserve to protest, those who have lost everything.  Those who worked so hard for their whole life and lost it all in a blink of an eye to the false promises of a dismal zombie government.  The real zombies have had to work harder and often go days or weeks without food because of the occupy types not having a damn thing in their skulls.

Freedom of Speech vs. The pursuit of Happiness.  Occupy folks need to go, especially when businesses are failing due to patrons being scared off from their presence or even the police presence.  Their lack of organization in most camps is causing irreversible damage to the livelihoods of thousands of real zombies and non-zombies alike.  Damage to property, private and public.  Many of the parks they are clamoring to use have hand tens of thousands of dollars in damage to the park grounds.  One estimate show the damage to Zuccotti Park grounds, benches, trees to be roughly $1 million as well protesters damaging the 9-11 memorial in the park.

This truly is a sign of the decline of western civilization and fall of the republic.

Zombies ask: Is Solar loan guarantee from US Government insider trading?

Zombified Times has learned that NextEra Energy Resources has secured a $2 billion in loan guarantees from the US Department of Energy for solar energy projects, not a bad deal except the CEO of NextEra is also on the Presidents council on Jobs and Competitiveness.  CEO and card carrying zombie Lewis Hayes sits on the council which also called for a new federal financing program to attract private investment for clean energy projects.

Now if we flip this around and say this was Joe Zombie working at a major trading firm on Wall Street and also has a connection to a major investment firm through Martha Vampire and she mentions to Joe that they are pulling all funding from a publicly traded company due to the company is going to file chapter 11 well before the company announces it actions or files bankruptcy.  That smells like insider trading especially when he sells off those stocks to make a profit before public knowledge.  Someone would be going to jail for that.

Go back to our wonderful government.  Is this not insider trading or at least a conflict of interest.  Sure asking a Zombie for an answer will probably get your head bit but lets look at the probability of a conflict and better yet did the government not learn when it gave out a $535 million loan guarantee to bankrupt Solyndra under the President recommendation.  Or what about the $43 million loan to a already bankrupt Beacon Power Corp.

This type of behavior is leaving zombies across America scared that not only are there empty skulls out on the streets of this country but there is also ever increasing number of empty skulls in Washington, where will our food come from, we don’t eat cows.

More to come on this story...I already hear the groans from Occupying Zombies.

7 Billion and Counting……..

The United Nations announced 10/31/2011 that the 7 billionth child will be born, marking the occasion as the first time the earth has passed another billion mark since 1999 when zombified UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan went to Sarajevo to hold up the 7 billionth child up as a token of food sources to come for all zombies.

While this may seem to some as a doomsday proclamation with 8 billion on the planet we can safely say that if we packed them in like NY City they would all fit in the state of Texas.

The future looks bright for Zombies on that note.  Nearly 1/3^rd of the earth’s population is estimated to be zombies. That leaves a lot of the others as a feasible food source.  It has been estimated that the population from the dawn of time to 1804 to reach 1 billion and then till 1927 to double.  While we see that the population rate has declined to almost 1.1% per year the number of zombified humans has grown 300% since 1992 when President Clinton took office with the largest growth in the US and China, go figure.

Editors Note:  There are an estimated 1.9 billion cattle on earth. Zero of them are zombified. -Happy Halloween everyone.

Zombies worth over $5 billion to economy

In an odd twist the Zombies in the US are being reported as being worth $5 Billion to the US economy.  While less than 1% of the Zombies are occupying somewhere they seem to make up a large part of what they are protesting.  Many Zombies are questioning the numbers but Zombie Analyst say that they dumbed down the numbers to single digit as many of the Zombies do not have enough fingers and toes to count the actual number.

Zombie Analyst claim the dollars much higher

Non-Zombies are not taking this lightly as they feel that they are the 99% that are getting shafted yet they continually align themselves to a Zombie in an attempt to comfort themselves in their own miserable existence.  One man from Peoria claims that he has friends that are Zombies but yet after we set up surveillance it was noted he not once offered his brain to any Zombie walking by.  Many are asking what do the Zombies need with money?

Democratic run congress is looking at the possibility of a Zombie Tax to get their piece o f the pie from the Zombies.  Republicans have vowed to block any attempt to increase any tax.  President Obama just asked are they buying my book.

Zombies become lost in Corn Maze

October 12^th  a horde of Zombies chased a group of teens in to a corn maze in upstate NY hoping to get an easy meal but soon found themselves lost in the 20 acre maze. 

Oct. 12th Zombies became lost in maze.

They attempted to follow their drag marks and retrace their way out of the maze but realized after a few hours they had been walking in circles.  With several zombie children in tow the other zombies began moaning for help.  Passers by heard the blood curdling moans and called the police.  Once the police got to the scene they could not figure out what was making all that noise so they sent officers in to investigate.  After an hour the investigators did not return.  Search and rescue copters were sent over the corn maze when the zombies were spotted as well as the remains of the investigators.  The local police department have decided to call off all search and rescue and close the maze at this time while the local town government decides on lifting a burn ban put in place.  The ZAFLU (Zombie American Civil Liberties Union) said they will block any attempt to hurt the trapped zombies.

Occupy Protesters leaving a bad taste.

Zombies everywhere are complaining about the bad taste that the "occupy protesters" are leaving in their mouths.  Not just the fact it is hard for them to find a decent meal in the crowd but that many of the protesters set up tents and go home.  WHAT!!!!! Go Home?  Zombies have been raiding tents left and right looking for some brains to feast upon but tents are coming up empty, more so than the brainless skulls of the protesters that stick around.  Zombified Times has obtained photos from MailOnline to prove the Zombies claims.

Abandoned?  Zombies claim so.  The shack-like building behind empty purple tents
is a marquee.  An occupied tent is in red and yellow.

Deserted:  Bodies in white, can be seen in the camp.  The green object in the foreground in a bin.  Could the tents really be empty or are there zombies in them, we think not.

It seems as protesters lack the nerve and determination to actually protest, instead opting to leave icons, debris and use their corporate greed i-phones, blackberry's and droids to take video, photos and pretend that they are there, while the Zombies continue to suffer with out food, shelter and other zombie creature comforts.

Iran becoming a zombie military dictatorship

Zombified Times has learned that Iranian President Ahmadinejad has raised a massive zombie military and is attempting to use it to control the citizens of Iran.  While video feeds have been cut off by the Iranian government we are seeing tweets posted describing the mayhem.  Students at the Iran University of Science and Technology in Tehran have reported that buildings are exploding everywhere while the zombies try to get out the doors of those buildings to form up to march.
No doubt they will deny a zombie army but the most certainly will blame the world for a conspiracy to destroy all peace loving zombies in Iran.

Iranian Pres. waving to get zombie army to form up.

Zombies will work for ACORN

In this shocking finding we are seeing Zombies occupying Wall St. will work for ACORN.  The Zombies are playing a key role in the Occupy Wall Street movement, organizing events and hiring canvassers to collect for ACORN. These are frightening times we live in and even harder times for the Zombies, who can no longer find any brains protesting on Wall Street have turned to ACORN for subsistence.  It is possible that the Zombies are cracking open the shells of ACORN to look for the little meaty brains but are finding money that may have been siphoned off the American people thanks to a $300,000 grant given to the ACORN from HUD.  We suspect they should check the pockets of all ACORNS since they are making the Zombies pan handle for spare change, hopefully the Zombies start to bite the pretend hand that feeds.

Parents rejoice as zombies leave basement for Wall Street.

Reports are coming in that parents around the US are rejoicing at the fact that their zombie children have gone to Wall Street to complain about no jobs, corporate greed and in search of mush filled skulls to feast upon.

Mrs. Wilson of  the village stated that this was the first time junior was out of the house this long since his x-box needed to be repaired and he camped at GameStop waiting for one to exchange.  She was not sure what she was going to do with her new found freedom but she said it may have to do something with a drinking and partying.

20 to 30+ Never Employed hit Occupy Wall St.

Many other bloggers and papers are reporting similar stories.  We will continue to keep all posted as more comes to light but it appears that our original suspicions are correct that those protester are actually 30 something, NEVER employed, living with mom for the past 30 something years Zombies.  It can not be disputed that they are wondering around aimlessly, moaning and groaning and waving  arms yelling nonsense, in an attempt to stop corporate greed.  They should really let the middle class people who have worked all their life supported a family and played by the rules get in there and be the only ones protesting.

Public Service Announcement or Propoganda

Presidential wanna be is Zombified

Presidential wannabe Gov. Rick Perry appears to be the candidate of choice for US Zombies.  The American Zombies Civil Liberties Union (AZCLU) unofficially announced that they will back one of their own. Perry was often questioned if he was a robot or a zombie and it appears that has finally been answered even if his replies have been incoherent at best.  We at ZombifiedTimes supported the initial claims that he was a zombie due to his ramblings and his appeared stiffness.  His ties apparently are used to keep his head from falling off on camera while only moving his full upper torso to face his questioners.  The looks that he gives to Romney appear to either be that of hunger for brains or bewilderment.

Perry will probably continue his Presidential pursuit as long as he stays out of any states that are entering their winter season since zombies have issues keeping themselves together in colder weather.


Side Note:
Some have speculated that Paul also is Zombified although we support the notion that he is a genetic off-shoot to Ross Perot, created by the Perdue Chicken Farms that has been mummified.  We will continue to investigate and report as we uncover any additional information.

Paul Calls for End to Federal Student Loan Program

Another Zombified Politician..sure the program failed, but letting private banks finance ones education is what is causing students to fall into mass debt before college graduation. More proof of our Zombified Nation!  While Zombies are getting an education for free our GSL and Stafford Loans system is failing to assist students..all students in getting in to college.

Mind you not one Zombie is complaining and yes Ron Paul is Zombified, even though he may look mummified.  The average human is going to soon give up on college all together and that may be the ultimate plan to assist in getting more masses to become zombified.

HARP for Americans but not for Zombies

President Obama will be announcing a new government financing plan for homeowners that are underwater on their mortgages.  Great for them, the 1% that are what about the rest of us.  It seems that one group will be ignored as usual, the zombies.  Everyone knows that zombies can't swim and being underwater is just as bad for them as it would be for the rest of us.  I ask the question why the hell did you buy a house for so much money when you clearly knew the price was over inflated and you could barely afford it in the first place.  I can say that zombies have an excuse other than being the neglected members of society, they are mindless.

This plan only covers roughly 1% of Americans simply because most homes are secured by private investment and not the federal government.  Justly enough that it may only help about 800k American home owners.  Not one zombie will be protected.  We have seen the number of zombies nearly triple in the US over the past few years, and they are in all areas of the country.  They seem to have a strong hold in local governments as well as our nations capital, but yet they are going to continue being the forgotten mass.  I firmly believe that with further investigation we will see that our democratic left is truly zombies and as most zombies care nothing of their fellow zombies only themselves.......